Learning that your spouse has a drinking problem can be an emotional experience. You may be feeling anything from confused, frustrated, worried, or overwhelmed about what to do. Drinking problems in a spouse often extend beyond just the use of alcohol and impact marriages, families, emotional safety, financial well-being, and quality of life. Learning how to respond thoughtfully and informally can truly make a difference for both you and your spouse.
At Speranza Behavioral Health, we work with many people and families living with a spouse who has a drinking problem. If you find yourself wondering what to do next, this guide is here to help clarify the situation, how to take care of yourself, and potential next steps.
Recognizing When a Spouse Has a Drinking Problem
One of the most challenging parts of this situation is realizing that your spouse has a drinking problem, rather than the occasional drink or social use of alcohol. Since alcohol use typically progresses gradually, it is not uncommon for partners to minimize or make excuses for the behavior for months or even years.
Some common indicators that a spouse has a drinking problem are regularly being drunk, using alcohol to cope with stress or emotions, changing moods when unable to drink, secretive drinking, and continued alcohol use despite negative consequences. You may also notice emotional withdrawal, broken promises, increased conflict, financial strain, or neglect of responsibilities. These are patterns that signal that alcohol use has become unmanageable and turned into abuse or addiction.
Keep in mind that alcohol use disorder is a medical condition and not a character flaw. Reminding yourself of this can help with shifting your mindset from blame to problem-solving.
Acknowledge Your Feelings When Your Spouse Has a Drinking Problem
Marriage to an alcoholic can bring up many powerful emotions from anger and sadness to fear, resentment, guilt, and fatigue. To avoid conflict or out of a desire to keep things running smoothly, many partners in alcoholic marriages choose to silence their emotions. However, most of these people simply burn out. It is crucial to admit to and acknowledge your feelings as a result of your spouse’s drinking if you are to take care of your emotional and mental well-being. Your emotions are perfectly valid, and you must understand them if you wish to make reasonable choices as to what you want to do.
Avoid Enabling When Possible
When a spouse has a drinking problem, it is common for partners to unintentionally enable alcohol use. This may look like covering for missed work, making excuses to friends or family, taking over neglected responsibilities, or minimizing the seriousness of the drinking.
Although enabling behaviors often come from love or fear, they can allow the problem to continue. Setting limits is not about punishment. It is about refusing to participate in patterns that cause harm to you and your relationship.
How to Talk to Your Spouse About a Drinking Problem
If you choose to take the conversation route, then the “when and how” of that conversation are key. Waiting until your spouse is sober, relaxed and not already on the defensive will be more productive. Timing the talk to avoid conversations when there is alcohol around is important as it is highly likely the partner will either deny there is a problem or you will have an argument.
Communication is often best focused on the impacts of the drinking on you, the relationship, and/or family, such as “I am concerned about how alcohol is affecting us”. Communication can also be more effective using “I” statements such as that last one. This kind of statement can prevent your spouse from getting defensive and may be more likely to get through to him or her. Of course, with a spouse who has a drinking problem, it is unlikely that one conversation is going to fix everything, but it is likely to start him or her thinking.
Accept What You Cannot Control When Your Spouse Has a Drinking Problem.
One of the most challenging realities to accept is that you cannot control your spouse’s drinking. No amount of pleading, monitoring, or threatening can force someone to stop if they are not ready.
What you can control are your own boundaries, choices, and responses. Letting go of responsibility for your spouse’s drinking does not mean you stop caring. It means you recognize what is within your power and what is not, which often brings emotional clarity.
Encouraging Help When Your Spouse Has a Drinking Problem
If your spouse is open to support, professional treatment can be highly effective. Alcohol use disorder is treatable, and recovery is possible with the appropriate level of care. Treatment options may include outpatient therapy, intensive programs, counseling, or medically supervised care.
When a spouse has a drinking problem, encouragement works best when it is calm and compassionate. Offering to help research options or attend an assessment can be supportive. Resistance or denial is common and often reflects the nature of addiction rather than a rejection of you.
Getting Support for Yourself When Your Spouse Has a Drinking Problem
Partners often overlook their own mental health when a spouse has a drinking problem. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, depression, isolation, and chronic stress.
Seeking support for yourself through individual therapy, family counseling, or support groups can help you process emotions, learn coping strategies, and feel less alone. Taking care of yourself is an essential part of navigating this situation.
Therapy Options When a Spouse Has a Drinking Problem
Couples or family therapy can be helpful when both partners are willing to engage in the process. These sessions provide a structured environment to address communication breakdowns, rebuild trust, and understand how alcohol use has affected the relationship.
Therapy can also clarify expectations, readiness for change, and whether both partners are aligned in working toward recovery.
When to Seek Professional Guidance
If your spouse’s drinking is escalating, affecting mental health, or creating instability at home, professional guidance can provide clarity and direction. A clinical assessment can help determine appropriate treatment options and next steps.
At Speranza Behavioral Health in Woodbury, New Jersey, we work with individuals, couples, and families impacted by alcohol use and co-occurring mental health concerns. Our approach is compassionate, evidence-based, and supportive of both those struggling with substance use and the people who love them.
You Are Not Alone If Your Spouse Has a Drinking Problem
Loving someone who struggles with alcohol is not easy. You may blame yourself or feel like it is solely your responsibility to fix the problem. That isn’t the truth. Alcoholism is a disease that requires professional treatment and care.
Reaching out to a behavioral health provider can be an essential step toward regaining stability, strengthening boundaries, and moving forward with confidence, whatever path you choose.
